But still...that pain remains.

I have been very weepy today and this Christmas Season. For some reason, This Season, more than others was especially tender.

It all started just before Thanksgiving when I realized that

"I thought" I would be having a "Lil' Turkey" to welcome into the world.

It hit me like a ton of bricks and I was 

so, 

so, 

so 

sad. 

I thought I had dealt with all that came with having a miscarriage!

(I mean I turned miscarried into "carried" and it changed my life just like that! For the Better.)

But still...that pain remains. 

It's not so raw as it once was but it's still there. 

It's healing but it is still tender.

I've started a new and exciting journey in Adoption and am filled to the brim with HOPE again. 

Really, filled with HOPE.

Christmas was hard because "I thought" I'd have a baby to share with my whole family. 

Instead it was talk about adoption which was wonderful and supportive.

But still...that pain remains. 

I've of course been thinking a lot about what this new year will bring 

and just like the past 3 years which will now turn into 4 years,

I will once again HOPE for a baby. 

(Maybe this year it will happen...I can only HOPE.)

We are moving right along in the adoption process and it's been a lot of work. 

So, so many papers to fill out and forms to send in and signatures required it feels like 

too 

much 

sometimes. 

I find myself thinking..."It's not fair!" 

Why does it have to be so hard?

Errrrr.........

(record sch-reaching sound!)

I can go down this path and feel pity for my self just like the next person but I will not. 

I am going to Trust my Journey instead.

I am going to hold on so tight to HOPE and be happy about the unexpected, beautiful gift that Matt and I will receive when we are blessed with a baby of our own.

I will instead begin to focus on how our Birth mother must be feeling. 

How alone and scared and hopeless she must feel. 

I will pray for her 

and for her strength

and for her to understand that we realize

that her choice

is out of the purest form of LOVE someone can give.

So much Love, for her baby that is growing inside of her.

And BRAVE, oh so BRAVE!

I hope I get to tell her these things one day. 

I hope we get to put our arms around each other and just feel gratitude for one another.

I will feel so grateful to her for giving me the greatest gift that I can ever imagine. 

I hope she feels gratitude to know that I will love and care for her baby as my own. 

That this baby, 

the baby she has carried inside of her 

was LOVED before she even met us. 

I hope she will be a part of our lives in some way forever

because how could you ever forget someone who gave you such a gift?

(I told you I was weepy!)

I know when that time comes it will be all I have ever imagined and so much more. 

Even if I never meet her, I will let her know of our gratitude. 

She will know how much she is loved!

So.....This Year

I will Trust my "Perfectly Imperfect" journey

and I will continue to pick myself up 

and I will never, ever loose HOPE!

For without HOPE there is nothing.

I am working on some beautiful new things to add to my JillyGs Etsy shop

that I just know you will LOVE!

I hope to blog more in the coming year because it is cleansing for me. 

Even if the only person who reads it is my Mom. 

For me, that is enough.

(I LOVE all of my readers though! Shout out of LOVE to you too!)

This post was written from a place so raw 

and 

written from a place that still has pain

but most of all this post was written from a place 

filled with HOPE and LOVE to

just 

simply TRUST. 

Oh! And it was written with my own two hands.

XOXO,

JillyG