Today is my Birthday. My 38th Birthday. I can't believe I am 38 years old... Honestly, where did the time go?
I have left social media for a little while intentionally. To take a break from everyone else's life. To not play the comparison game. To just breathe on my own for a little bit.
Adoption news was slow and sad and thick with living in limbo-ville. I had to set it all down for just a little while.
I need to catch my breath.
I celebrated Christmas with my Husband. Just me and Him in Williamsburg, VA. We felt rebellious. It was wonderful. I took in some deep, deep soul breaths there.
We celebrated the new year with the arrival of my brother's twin baby girls, Charlotte and Mayes. They are beautiful miracles. They are precious children of God. They are tiny, pink and perfect.
I took some more deep breaths. Breaths filled with joy and beauty and welcoming of two babies so desperatly loved and wanted and fought for!
They were here. Finally...here.
My heart ached a little in this beautiful moment that I might feel this love one day too. This love for my own baby. I lost a little of my breath I had gained. Two steps forward...one step back.
We got an update on a profile to meet an Expectant Mother. I instanly connected my heart to hers the moment I heard her name. We said "Yes!" please show us to her. Another email, We were narrowed down to one of four couples! I took in a deep soul breath and held it. An email, You have been selected along with another couple to meet the Expectant Mother. She really likes you and wants to meet you! I breath, every so deeply and hold it even harder. We met her on a Friday. She was wonderful and gracious and brave and a beautiful soul and lover of Dave Matthews Band. Dave had connected us. I took in as many soul breaths as I could take. She was wonderful!
We waited for four days and I felt so much HOPE. So much. And then, as I requested, "Sad News" came through via e-mail that she chose the other family to adopt her precious baby girl and not the "Happy" Phone call I and so many times in my life had prayed we would get.
I got the wind knocked out of me. I lost every breath that I had gathered over the past few months. Gone. Just like that.
Today, is my 38th Birthday. My wish, every year since turning 32 is that this year I will be a Mama.
I am surrounded by saddness, and anger and shaking heads and support and prayer and questions and words of encouragement and love and no words at all, just quiet support in the stillness of a moment and xoxo's <3.
I take in a small breath, daring to breath again. Putting one knee up to dare to stand again. I find it deep, deep inside to start to stand.
I take her upstairs for an afternoon nap. My sweet baby girl neice, Davis. The sweet baby I get to be blessed by everyday because my Sissy let's me share her and be her "Nanny Aunt". I take her up stairs, one step at a time, her tiny legs climb the stairs with ease now. She can almost do it on her own. We read a book in the glider that was given to me by a stranger almost a year ago today who asked that I simply remember it is filled with LOVE. I hum to her softly as I do at every nap. She looks up into my face with her sweet smile and lifts her tiny hand to my mouth as I hum
and
I kiss it.
She smiles even bigger and brings it back again for a kiss. I kiss her tiny baby girl hand. We play as I hum to her and giggle and laugh in the sweetest moment I've ever had on my Birthday. In that instant, in that one single moment, I catch a deep, deep soul breath and...she heals me.
This baby girl, that is not from my body but in my heart. This baby girl that is truly and fully shared everyday with me by my sister. This baby girl, that God has given as a gift to love while I wait for the one that He will bring to me to call my very own. And that baby too will be allowed to be shared by everyone who loves them because they will be a beautiful Gift from God.
This post was written from anger, and sadness and a hollow hole of a heart that hasn't quite recovered her breath yet. It was written through tear stained cheeks and deep breaths dared to be taken and
once again
because of her...
I was given HOPE from "Our" own two hands.
XOXO
